PARADOX OF SOMETHING

 

PARADOX OF SOMETHING

 

Have you heard of Master Zhuang’s paradox?

‘I dreamt I was a butterfly. Now I have woken up and I no longer know if I am a person who dreamed he’s a butterfly or if I am a butterfly who’s dreaming it’s a person.’

 

You see I want to be happy; but I think of things that make me sad. I am lazy, yet I am ambitious. I don’t like myself, but I also love who I am. I say I don’t care, but I really do. I crave love, but reject it when it comes my way.

 I am caught up in this paradox of something!

 I don’t know how to explain this to you because you know I am bad with ‘words’, with you I was connected to the endless abundance of the universe, now this abandoned heart is all that’s left, with you I enjoyed every moment of our very existence, now this void of feelings is all that’s left like a black hole which consumes matter, sucks it in and crushes it beyond existence, feeling that I can’t feel anymore. With you even a clear star night was exciting which felt like an eternity that would never end, now the invisible scars of memories are all that’s left which sometimes sneak out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks.

See I am bad at words yet I claim to be a writer, who keep making these desperate attempts to put you in words, put us in words.

You see now I feel don’t want you anymore, I don’t need you anymore but sometimes missing you comes in waves and tonight I am drowning , yet my skin feels like a dried river bed which lacks your drizzling touch.

You see when they said ‘Change is the only constant’, I mistook change for the maturing of the love we had and constant for you, they didn’t say it was life changing its course with constant pain.

You see ‘the only certainty is uncertainty’, nothing in this life of mine is certain except this enigma of entity which exist in my life just to hurt people with uncertainty. Sometimes what we think is infinity is just undefined. 

You see I am a conflicted contradiction. I can’t figure myself out and yet I expected you to do so.

I wish I could be better me, for you.